Thursday, February 14, 2013

This One...

This is the post that I have been putting off. I knew when I finished with my vacation post I would then need to move on to the major event that happened in my.

That is right, heart break. Heart break or broken still does not seem like enough of a word to explain what it was. This person was my world. This person was thing that would make you smile in the middle of a bad day. He was it for me.

For a long while I had felt that when they were handing out relationships, I got in the wrong line and ended up with a cheap flashlight (or whatever useless junk they hand out for free at conventions). It is not to say that men did not find me attractive, but I did not get flirted with by anyone that was worthwhile. Sorry homeless guy, thank you for the comment on my booty, but I like men that shower on at least a monthly basis.
After a round of internet dating (a whole other story I will get to later) I was about to say no to everyone, it had gotten that bad. The last message I ever looked at was from this guy and he seemed to be interesting, maybe a little forward, but sometimes you have to push to get what you want. After some messages back and forth he asked if he could call me. When he called it was one of the best conversations I have ever had. I still remember that nervous and excited feeling. We ended up talking all night and stayed on the phone until I had to get ready for work the next morning. 
He lived about 40 minutes away (in LA that is not crazy, but in traffic it could be hours) so the weekend after the long phone conversation I met him in person. I still remember him outside waiting for me and when I pulled up "Phew, he is cuter in person." I ended up staying the weekend with him and it was the first time I had actually slept with a guy. I mean actual sleep. It was the first time I had even really cuddled with someone (unless you count the time I did it for 2 minutes and kept thinking where I should have my hand, and my head, and my leg, and...). 
From the start of the relationship with him I felt comfortable and for me that was amazing. In our relationship he would catch me staring at his body, but I also felt like I had known him forever. 
We had problems. He did not work for about 90% of our 3 1/2 year relationship and he moved in pretty quickly so everything fell on me. It was a stress that I still don't know how I survived. I became resentful and hurt knowing he would not even quit things that would help us financially. He wanted so many things and I felt horrid that I could not provide those things. 
One day last year he told me that he needed to help his dad back where he was from (2,000+ miles away). He was gone for 3 weeks, came home for a week, went back for 5 months, came back for less than a week this time and when he said he had to go again, I told him it was over. The relationship part was just gone. It was a struggle for him to even communicate with me when he was back there even though he wanted me to still pay the phone bill and send him money. I would have done anything for that man. 
Cut to now and it being Valentine's Day does make me think of the past.... Where he always made sure I had the largest box of chocolates that he could find. Where he always tucked me into bed, even if he stayed up later than me. Where I never had to ask to get me something to drink or a blanket, he just knew and was there in a flash. When I looked at him I knew he loved me, but was struggling with demons. 
This past year, from my birthday to New Years, I spent by myself (I did get a lovely Thanksgiving invitation) and at 34 years-old I never expected to feel that lonely again in my life. Now is the time to become something that I want to be. I have no idea what it is, but right now I have all this free time to figure it out. 
I still talk to him because at the end of the day I do love him. Being in love with someone is different and I deserve to feel like I am the person that someone cannot wait to see at the end of the day. Isn't that what we all deserve? 
Happy Valentine's Day and please let the one that you love know how much they mean to you.       


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