Thursday, June 26, 2014

What is that on my face?

A smile

There hasn't been a post about dating blunders in a while because I am seeing someone who makes all of that stuff before him feel like it was worth it. I never thought that would be possible. It is a pretty amazing feeling.

Who knows where this will lead, but I just really like knowing him and knowing that someone like him in this universe exists is pretty great.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Crazy Lucky

My favorite band has a new single that came out today and you should all go and purchase it because it is wonderful. I really do love these boys. 

Crazy Lucky by Better Than Ezra. 

Go to iTunes or Amazon MP3 site to purchase it. What are you waiting for? Go!

Love Of My Life

To everyone out there,

Can we please be okay if we never find the "one"?

I am so tired, more of an exhaustion, of feeling like I am inadequate because the men that have come into my life haven't wanted or weren't worthy of being something. (Please don't get me started on how I am "supposed to feel" because I don't / can't have children)

Can we be the loves of our life?

You have no idea what I have done for these people that I thought I loved or even liked, but did they deserve this devotion I gave them? No. The only person that has deserved that kind of pure unadulterated love is me and that is who I have been treating the worst.

He might like me if I wear this, or have my hair like this or buy him this. I might get some sense of gratitude for a moment, but has it been worth it? I am not saying that I won't get dressed up for a date (because sometimes we just have to look cute), but what I am saying is that I need to be done with feeling like my world collapsed because someone didn't like me. Guess what? I am a catch and need to remind myself this.

I am not for everyone and neither are you.

What I should have been doing is taking care of myself for all these years. I don't live in regret. My life is the way it is because of the choices I alone have made. I am seeing my mistakes deeper and changing them. Life is about growing.

Will I falter and fall into the same pattern? More than likely, but what I am going to try and do is stop myself before I get too far down the rabbit hole.

NSFW language in this song, but the message is important.

This video is geared towards women, but the message is valid for everyone. We are not who we are because of someone else.

Go on, be the best person for yourself and know that if no one ever comes along it is not the worst thing that could ever happen.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Thanks To Friends Like These

... who needs boys that break hearts? 

A friend had invited me to a day at Disneyland and to preview a ride that was reopening. I knew another friend would love the opportunity to go also and she is also his friend he of course said yes. I was going to invite D because I knew I could get him on the ride and it would have been a nice chance to meet some of my friends. Since he didn't work out, it was a nice trip / chance to feel good again.

On Friday, March 7th, we picked up my friend and his boyfriend and were off to the "Happiest Place on Earth." Below are some random photos through out the day. I feel very blessed to have these people in my life.

Just a castle that holds a place in my heart.

The whole group (minus A's bf  for a few hours). They are adorable!

T and I decided to split a piece of pizza and a salad. Disney food, we could not get enough of you on this day.

M & I (with a blurry T head). We hadn't seen each other in about a year which is way too long! 

What happens when you try to take a photo and your friends make you laugh. Hi Buzz. 

Just a Haunted Mansion. Very unassuming from the outside.

M & J were getting lunch at this point and T decided to be classy and rock that tie.

Just a cruise through the jungle.

That face. How can you not love it? A will always be one of my great friends. 

Keep up that driving and you will end up in hell (ride this and you will understand the reference).

Mickey and the magical map - a cute show.

So much food. That man loves his meat. 

T & I chose popcorn. Oh how I would love some right now. So much yellow goodness.

A caterpillar came across our path so T helped him along aka not being squished.  

In an area of Tomorrowland they have different props and meet and greets from Marvel movies. I am a huge fan of Loki / Tom Hiddleston so this next picture is not the best, but it clearly shows my joy.
Hi Loki! <3 

After the sun went down we noticed that our whole group had jackets with hoods. We were the cutest gang ever. 

I think I did the doll justice. Every time I see that doll it creeps me out so when I saw the hat I knew it had to happen. 

Since I have another photo of her shooting (video game) this was required. She is an excellent shot!

Of course when I was there I thought about D (he has an annual pass) and also how going to a place like Disneyland is great for couples, from sitting next to them on a ride or just them holding you as you watch the fireworks. My friends are a fantastic substitute.

Thank you friends and Disneyland for finding my smile again. I was a magical day.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Follow-Up / Again?

I actually don't like writing these blog posts about my dating life because it means it is over with them. I do it because I need the thing (hurt, annoyance, frustration) to leave so I can move on.

A quick follow-up on two and a brand new story with a repeat ending. 

Safe Travels -

The week before Christmas I get a text message from a number I don't have stored in my phone. This person was saying hi. I asked him who this was and it turns out it was "Safe Travels". I chatted with him for a while and then we decided to hang out one night. He came over, made out, watched tv. We didn't ever really chat about life which was fine. He left saying that he would contact me the following week. I never heard from him again. I am fine with that.

T -
He texted me in January, some point, saying how he didn't want to date or do anything like that, but he wanted to talk to me and be friends and go from there. After being ignored and basically stood up I was not into this idea at all. He then stated that he had been dating other people at the time and had a lot of fun with "sexual escapades". How I should not take it personal.

I took it personal that he chose to date all these other people besides me because I am human. I am glad he chose to date other people because I didn't ever need him in my life.At the end of the conversation, after him telling me he is a great guy, me replying that maybe he was, but not great for me. I half agreed to try and just be friends with him. I have never heard from him again <- aka a relief.

D a.k.a. Looking For

After dealing with the last guy I was in such a state that I didn't know how I would talk to anyone again and be optimistic. Around the same time as M (last guy) I had gotten a message from D, but then all of a sudden his profile was gone. Oh well, too bad he was cute.

After M, I got a message again from D and it was ok. Our conversation, at first was not very fluid and I was not in the mood for something that felt forced and labored. One day the following week it just changed. I wanted to talk to him further and it seemed like vice versa. We exchanged numbers and texted a lot. On Valentine's day he was the first to send me a message. He made some remark about next Valentine's he would keep in mind what I liked (I tend to run away from people that make future plans, but I liked when he said it).

In talking with him I realized that he felt like I had been looking for someone like him my whole life. Why do I say that? He reminded me of (good) parts of ex's that I have had combined into one cute package, like someone had taken the highlight reel of my past and made him.

We went out on one date. I realized that he wasn't perfect (circumstances in his life are complicated), but nothing scared me away. What scared me was that he said he liked me and I had to admit to myself (and him) that I liked him too. That is hard for me because once it is out there like that it is hard to just make it go away.

I only ever saw him once. He got sick right after our date, finally felt better and invited me over to his work, but I was busy and couldn't come over that day. On the Wednesday after that (after daily texts and cute nicknames aka hun) he texted saying something was going on with his child. I told him to not worry about me, I will be here, worry about your kid. That night I texted that I was hoping everything was ok and was thinking about him.

Saturday - I let him know that I was worried since I hadn't heard from him. I hoped his child was ok.

Monday - I had logged of the mutual dating site we were on, for some reason I decided to log back on that day and not only do I see that his profile is also back (it had been gone), but that he was online at that very moment. I guess the child was sick enough to not contact me, but ok enough to get back on a dating site. I sent him a message telling him how I thought he was different and at least he could have said good-bye.  I had told him about the previous guy and how he just vanished and never said good-bye (he thought that was awful).

I liked D. I had let myself believe for a moment that his words were real and I would have insecure moments, but then remember that he had done nothing to ever make me feel insecure, until the end. I know I should not care for another moment about him, especially because he used his child as an excuse for not talking to me. I should be resentful that he didn't have the nerve to say good-bye.

I saw that he looked at my profile the other day and it felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I told him that no matter what happened between us I was happy for knowing him for when I did. I have to stick by that. He made me happy when we were talking and I just have to be thankful for that. I know I won't forget one moment in particular with him - when he saw me in person he smiled and his smile got bigger as he climbed the stairs to me, we said a mutual "hi" and then he kissed me. It was one of those kisses that made the world disappear for just a moment. I haven't gotten a lot of those types of kisses in my life and I am fine with one of them belonging to him.

Because this happened now twice to me I contacted the major ex of my life and asked him what is wrong with me. I just don't get it. There are rules to dating and I don't see how people can just do this to each other. My ex told me that he had been in a very bad mental place through part of our relationship and how he regrets what he had done because "anyone that gets to be with you for a moment is the luckiest person and if you love them they will feel like they won the lottery." (my ex and I are not together for many reasons, so don't get it in your head that we should be together).

I know I am supposed to just move on and not be affected, but I am. Some guy said something to me last night that D and I had talked about and all of a sudden I felt a tear roll down my face.

Next post - happy things at the "happiest place on earth" aka why you need friends to distract you.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

M / He Doesn't Get a Nickname Continued

He kept kissing me outside of his vehicle, even my cheeks, and hands. I had tentative plans on Sunday (the day he was trying to see me) so I said I would see.

I had to get milk and went to the store that was right next to where we were. I walked through that store with such anger and annoyance. If he didn't want to be with me, then DON'T. I went back home and talked to a friend about my night and something that was going on with another friend. She had worried I was going to pass out on him.

He texted me when I was on the phone about how he had a good time and how he was going to call me that weekend. I replied back ok, talk to him then. I went to bed frustrated because here I had this great conversation with this guy, he didn't look like how I thought he would, but I didn't say a word. "Why did I ask him?"

After all weekend without hearing from him and thinking that I blew it because here was someone that was acting like they liked me (wanting to see again and not hiding that), but I ran, well power walked, away.

That night after giving him the 3 day rule time I decided to text him. It was 7:30ish sent him a text saying "thanks for the coffee. I had a good time." No reply.... I then decided that was his reply. No "not interested" message. Nothing. I guess this is good-bye. Nothing.

For 3 hours....

I get a reply from him asking if that was true and he apologized because I seemed to be annoyed at the end of it. I told him I was taken back by what he said, but I also realized that is how he just says things. He had also said something earlier in the date that was more abrasive than I am used to.

We texted a few messages, but he begged to call me because he couldn't put into a text what he wanted to. He couldn't get his feelings for me in a text. He wanted to hear my voice. I, of course, agreed.

He called and we talked for 90 minutes. That conversation was honest and beautiful (even though I know how this ends, I still really liked that call). He told me how he was disappointed that he couldn't share his day with me when something happened, how he wanted to call me and tell me about a tree or anything, how he was trying to be honest and how he thought I would be so into him for that. How he felt he blew it and how bummed he was that he wasn't going to know me anymore. How he was glad that we went through this now and got all the feelings out on the table. He liked me, I liked him. We agreed on him coming over the next night to my place "I just want to see you, hold you."

Because of all the stuff that I went through with my ex I don't like to just have everyone over to my place. It is my escape from the world when it is cruel and unkind. I don't want to be in my personal haven and look over and think of the time when this person was there. I wanted to see "M" and thought there was something that could turn into more. Coming to my place was just easier and for some (dumb) reason I wanted him there.

He showed up at the agreed upon time, met him outside with a hug and kiss and we went into my apartment. We talked, he got comfortable, I took his hand into mine and just held it. I could tell he was nervous. He was there for 5 hours and we had a very pleasant  night, first one I had in a long while. 

When he left I got a weird feeling from him, but just thought I was being weird. If someone likes me I am not used to it so I thought it was just me.

When we had talked on Monday he had said how he wanted to see me Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday.... so I half expected to hear from him on Thursday (he knew my plans with my dad, so I wouldn't be available until later). I knew he was busy the day before and had to deal with a stressful situation. I texted him Thursday "I hope you had a nice day off."  Nothing.

Nothing. Ever. Again.

(Wednesday - the following week)
After all the head games that he played I got mad. Not even being man enough to say something to someone after all that, just hurt. I logged onto the dating site and sent him a message stating that if all he wanted to do was sleep with me he shouldn't have said all that other stuff. I thought there was something between us, but I was obviously wrong. I said good-bye and that I hoped he didn't do this to any other woman.

I realized I got played by this person which is what it is.

I am used to guys that state they don't want a relationship, they just want physical stuff. I get that and respect that.  If that is all you want don't act like you want all the other things because it is just cruel to play with someones emotions. Because of what he said I allowed myself to think for a moment that maybe... just maybe everything had been all worth it. This guy liked me for me and that was great. He wasn't perfect, but neither am I and it seemed to be the same level of goofy / crazy.

It was a short time that I knew him, but I know he will have an impact on me. I already have a hard time believing what men say due to my past, but I don't even know now what to do. I thought I could trust how comfortable I felt with someone. It will be a while before I want to go out on another date. I don't know why I am still on that dating site.

Why doesn't he get a nickname? Because my friends know not to ask about him. Other guys, they would ask if I heard from them and it was easier to use a nickname. I don't think "M" deserves one and I will be a happy girl if I forget his name all together. He showed me that, for him, I didn't even deserve a five second text message.

I hope that his daughter never dates anyone like him and his son doesn't become like him. 

Saturday, January 25, 2014

M / He Doesn't Get A Nickname

"M"    Part One 

After a few weeks off of dating sites (and since it was a new year) I decided to log back on and activate the two profiles I had. One site had been lacking in anyone I was interested in, but the other one had more guys that I have been attracted to.

On the site where you match people "M" profile came up. I liked what it said and a couple of his photos (some of his other ones came off across as a douche). I rated him highly which meant that he would be aware of this fact. A couple of days later I get an email from the site stating that he ranked me highly, as well. I half expected to hear nothing from him (which is common on those sites), but I get another email stating that I received a message from him.

(A Monday)
The message from him was nice, not overly sexual, told me a joke about something involving my favorite band and was just a nice message. I responded to him stating that the joke was great and thanking him for the compliment. He had asked me something so I responded in list form.

(Tuesday - the next day)
He responded and loved the idea of lists so from that message we "talked" all that night on the site. Back and forth. There was some (hopefully) witty banter. I liked what he was saying even when I didn't agree on some things. He is 8 years older than I am and it felt nice to have a real conversation with a man and not some guy that still had growing up to do. At the end of that night we agreed to exchange phone numbers and that he would call (because I HATE being the one to initiate calls or texts - your one thing you have to do guys).

(Thursday - same week)
I get a text from "M" asking if it was ok to call that night. We agreed upon a time and then I went into anxiety time. This was the first time since my heart got broken by my ex that there seemed to be someone interested in me and not just sexual.

He called me that night, there were some moments of nervousness, but it faded away into excitement. We spoke for 2 1/2 hours and at the end of it agreed that there was definitely something between us that needed to go beyond a phone call. We agreed on meeting the next night for coffee.

I was beyond nervous. I was physically sick. <- if I am interested in a boy, that is a good sign. I was at work talking to a coworker, but all of a sudden my anxiety would take over so I would bend over and try to breathe / not be sick. It got so bad my friend was worried about me and wanted me to cancel. I refused and knew it would be ok.

I drove to Starbucks, saw someone and realized it was probably him. He texted me that he was there and I got out of my car. I saw him and every part of me that was shaking, nervous, and sick went away. We hugged (told him to when he saw me), laughed because we both saw other people and thought this better not be the person.

Impression - he is grayer than his picture was showing, *he is heavier than I thought he would be (heaviest guy I would have ever been with) and his teeth were not perfect. None of this bothered me. I liked his style, his eyes and his enthusiasm about things.

He purchased my coffee and we sat at a table and he mostly talked which was not what I was used to, but change is good. He noticed my fingernails (they were red at the time), had me lightly scratch his hand which he really seemed to enjoy, which turned into me giving him a hand massage. Then it was hand holding while we spoke.

After sitting in Starbucks for a while he wanted to walk around. We gathered ourselves together and made our way out the door (he offered me his jacket because it was chilly), at which point he takes my hand. We stroll around the shopping center hand in hand. We look at flowers at Home Depot and just talk about random things (partially how insane people drive in that shopping center). We made our way to a bench which feels a little less out on display than most of the center. We sit down and we kiss. It wasn't the most romantic moment ever, but it was good. Eventually a car comes up and has their headlights on so I feel on display and highlighted.

He suggest his SUV or my car to continue this "conversation". My car is compact so I suggest his SUV and that is where we walk back to. He clears off the backseat and hop up (I am short). We start kissing again (his kissing style is different than mine, but not bad). At one point he pulls my hair back, tells me to be quiet and just looks at my face. He just smiled and had a look of wonder / pleasure in his eyes.

We continued making out in the SUV (which seems to be my go to move, for some reason) and I would ask him questions in the middle of it because it was going further than I was comfortable with. It was a parking lot, after all. "Why younger women?", but the one that was the problem.... "Better in person? Better than my pictures?"

He then states that when he first saw me he thought "she is a bigger girl. she is a healthy girl." The way he explained it is that he seemed annoyed at first by it, but he loved the way we connected and found himself not caring about it.

My pictures on the site may not have every single angle of my body so I have my Instagram account linked so you they can see different views. When I have ever asked that question before the answer has always been "Way better in person." His answer got me irritated and don't ever feel like you have to get past something with me, especially in the beginning. Relationships are hard enough without an asterisk on someones feelings. 

We kept kissing, but I told him I had to go and started to hold my purse handle. He asked me to stay for five more minutes (no), but how about one (ok). Here is where he was kissing me and I really liked it (hello passion). It was longer than a minute which I called him on. We got out of his SUV, were saying our good-byes and he was trying to set up a time to see me again. I was trying to just get out of there.

Continued in part 2......